by livelonger8 » September 23rd, 2009, 6:25 pm
... I've felt like my core self - the actual "you", or the "me" of my mind was female whilst the rest could have acted somewhat masculine. For instance, I don't recall wanting to play with dolls, although was attracted to bright colours such as pink and purple, and wearing anything feminine from my age group created an intense arousal (non-sexual), even at the age of 4.
I do recall wanting to be a girl several times before, perhaps when I was 4, 8 or 9, and had even planned on having sexual re-assignment surgery when I was 13 - once I understood that it was possible for male genitalia to be reconstructed into that of a female's, I wanted it. I also had no attraction towards females before I hit puberty - I had thought they were pretty but had also in turn, thought that it was disgusting to have a girlfriend.
On the contrary, I do recall saying "I love <insert boy's name here>", and had exhibited similar behaviour upon male's to that of a girl (e.g. I had cried and had behaved very emotional when I lost a mate or friend (male), and had mostly felt female around males). Later on however, my primary motive for wanting to be a female was for their capacity to attain prolonged and intense orgasms; I used to think, "Oh, well at least she has a female reproductive system", regardless of attraction or age.
Last year however, before I started listening to hypnosis, I had learned that it was possible to transition into a female via hormones, and that was something I had planned on doing at some point from the moment I learned this. I have also experienced spontaneous sexual attraction towards male's - I had consciously thought of a male's penis being disgusting, and had turned my head/eyes away from it when it was visible. Instinctively, the first time I masturbated, I had used my middle finger similar to how a girl fingers her labia - I had done this for a year until I learned that I was supposed to use the palm of my hand (this was also the most pleasurably intense method to orgasm for me).
One time however, in less than, or within a few seconds, I was immensely compelled to it (this was February 2006 - I didn't start listening to hypnosis until August last year (2008)) - I think this could be due to my genetics. It also wasn't until November/December last year that I had started to listen to feminization hypnosis; initially, I wanted to experience intense orgasms, but when I had learned that it could induce a hallucination where one perceives themselves to be a female, I had started to listen to hallucinogenic trances, and may have accidentally come across feminization trances during that period.
I had listened to these files 3 - 4 nights a week, and had went into an "off" period where I was distracted by something else (these periods lasted between weeks and a month). Towards April, I had noticed how my voice felt somewhat feminine and masculine; it would respond masculine in an aggressive situation and feminine (soft and light) in the presence of males. Few times it had appeared masculine whilst males were present, where had mostly appeared masculine when females were nearby.
I had also desires for purchasing lipstick - to experience the feeling of wearing it, although I still would have chosen to be female over being male (April this year). By mid-May, I had noticed how the skin around my breasts had gone soft and was lifted slightly, almost as if breasts had started to develop - this had produced a lot of confidence (I was depressed that night and over encumbered by other problems, but after I noticed this, I had felt great).
The night after, my friend had acquired an estrogen kit and had given me 5 estrogen pills. I had taken these by instinct without question, and -- within 2 nights, I was developing breasts, had felt very girlish, wonderful and overall, had created the best feeling I have ever experienced in my entire life. Shortly after the mental effects of estrogen worn off (2+ weeks after), when my body started producing testosterone again, I had started feeling depressed and was hoping that I'd be able to go through hormone replacement therapy.
Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to due to a counselling session I'm going through; I was told that I would be required to wait until this was finished and would also be subjected to psychotherapy - another year. My instincts however, are telling me to complete a transition before I'm 19 - to at least attain or pass a female figure.
As time passed by, I had started listening to feminization hypnosis again, and I think it may have reduced the amount of testosterone secreted; my cum had appeared very discrete to how it did before I took estrogen, and when I felt testosterone rush through again, it went back to normal. A month after this had occurred, the cum went back to how it was when I took estrogen.
Now however, I'm listening to feminization hypnosis on a weekly basis - 2-3 nights a week. My desire to become female has increased gradually since, and has now become too overwhelming.
I now feel that I'm female - my instincts are telling me that I'm female, in fact, I don't recognize myself as male - I am female. However, I have been experiencing a lot of depression from this, that has increased gradually. I am currently desperate to transition - for my body to be corrected. I've even considered, and have come close, and have been (and may still be) tempted to commit suicide in hope that I'd be reincarnated as a female; the absence of reproductive organs has also depressed me a lot.
I'm wondering if... by listening to those files, that I had realized my gender, and had recognized it more over time (my friend had also taken estrogen the same time as me but was able to tell themselves that they're male; they didn't want to be female but wanted to experience the effects of the hormone (a guy had also experienced a brain tumour last year that had caused his brain to produce abnormal amounts of estrogen, and despite its presence, converting his body into that of a female's, he still identified himself as a male)).
Sorry for the long post and lack of relevance towards the thread; I'm wondering if this was hypnotic suggestion or whether my mind had unsuppressed my hidden desire to transform my body into a female's at an early age to prevent social conflict (I do remember wanting to be a girl and feeling overwhelmed by it when I was 8 or 9). My self-image and internal voice has also been mostly feminine and very similar to that following the effects of estrogen.[/i]